There was this one time I fucked this dude
like a week after taking a Plan B pill for this other dude.
I mean, who hasn’t been there, right? Well, we had a wild night,
then we woke up the next morning to a fuckin bloodbath.
I mean, both of us covered in blood on some Carrie shit.
Like straight up blood not period glops that are thick.
This was thin red blood all over the bed, his legs, my butt.
It looked like we were sacrificing a goat or something,
blood all over the place.
Or maybe it was some pseudo virginity thing—
you know how people wanna hang up wedding sheets.
It was like that.
I had to buy a new bed set,
and, actually, you know I never had my hymen cracked.
Like the first time I had sex, there was no blood at all.
A young tenderoni on my boyfriend’s cousin’s bed
while his other cousin slept on the floor.
It was the middle of the night,
no one was supposed to know.
But his cousin turned out to not really be asleep,
and, when I wrote about the experience,
my father found the Word document.
Then he kicked me out for it.
And I was only over there cuz I had got kicked out my mom’s.
All that shit going on but no blood stains, at least.
Anyway, this time, you know after the Plan B
effectively forced my uterus to pour itself out,
I remember the dude woke up before me,
well, fake-before-me cuz I was actually up.
But he sat up, and I felt him looking over at me,
so I pulled the sheets over me.
I opened my eyes, then he was like, Wasup with all this blood
you know if you were anyone else I’d probably run.
Whole time reading Carrie lately,
I keep thinking of that drunk dude Carrie dated on Sex and the City
He comes to her window in streetcar-named-desire style,
pops up drunk the night they broke up and strips and calls her name.
All she can’t help but think is, Hmm maybe I do have good pussy,
when, in reality, a dude like that is scary. That’s a real horror story.
Dating a guy in recovery and he wants to fuck too much and jump into a relationship and relapses right outside her spot, naked?
She’s lucky the episode ended there.
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